Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
