i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
