He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
