Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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