i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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