i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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