which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
