Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
