Your mouth is God's brothel.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
