i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
