I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
