I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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