i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
