just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
my poor anus
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
