I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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