Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
