i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
