Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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