Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
