break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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