You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
