Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
