I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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