You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
