boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
