I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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