Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
