you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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