Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
where are my eyebrows?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
