soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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