I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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