Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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