Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
