The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
