I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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