Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
dude. I can hear the air.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
