I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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