just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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