so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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