Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
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If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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