Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
