I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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