isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
