whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
