Whod you bang
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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