i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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