The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
