Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
