Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
