Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
