I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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