What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
