I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
