guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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