I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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