how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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