Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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