just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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