yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
