Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
