she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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