I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
