the condom got lost in my hair
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
