I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
